April Thoughts

I’ve been away from the page for quite some time now and the biggest reason is because I’ve been depressed. Depression for me is not a simple thing; it’s a complex state that holds me captive to my bed and episodes of crying. I toss and turn in bed at night wondering when I’ll feel like myself again; and when this mood of sadness and stagnancy will go away. I realize that I must fight for it to be excised; it’s not a simple fix as the diagnosis is also not simple. 

I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder I. That means that I have psychotic features with my stew of bipolar disorder and depression. Those features look like manic episodes where I reveal truths that have long been hidden and I tell lies that I think are hard truths. I won’t repeat the lies in this essay to protect the identities of folks who no longer call me friend and others who have forgiven my manic episodes. 

The truth is that it’s damn near impossible to go on after an episode. During the episodes, you feel a euphoria that can only be connected to taking multiple drugs at once. You feel this without the enhancement of drugs and daily. When the euphoria is gone depression comes in like a flood because life doesn’t seem as sweet anymore. It’s truly a conniption because you’re fighting to get to a basis of stability without the euphoria; with the depression. 

Today, that’s where I am. I’m fighting depression and suicidal ideation daily to get back to a semblance of who I was before the manic episodes, before the hospitalizations, before all the medicine. That Dierra was happy to watch a music video when it came out or the latest film that sparks interest past just watching a trailer. A Dierra whose queerness gave her joy and fulfillment; whose ability to write filled her with even more joy and contentment. That Dierra is somewhere behind the depression and all the medicine; that Dierra is waiting to be felt again. 

And speaking of the medicine, it’s hard to know what works. I’m on so many different medications that none seem to do the trick. I go to several medication reviews by a psychiatrist, but nothing seems to help. I still smoke weed and that has even stopped being as useful as it was in the past. I long for a pill or a salve for this low mood and low motivation. 

But, today is different. Today I took the time to write a page about how I feel. Today, I’ll post this page because I’m happy to get back to the page; to the place that has always brought me solace when I didn’t know how to get out. I still feel the hands of depression grasping at me. I am not to the place that I want to be, but I will get there in due time. I am sure of it; I just have to keep fighting for days like this when writing doesn’t seem like an impossible task. More of those days mixed with a good routine and the right psychiatric intervention will assist me. 

Today, I praise myself for taking the first step to something new; for breaking up the monotony and trying to figure it out. I will get through this, one page at a time.